That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
Randomize
