I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
Randomize
