I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
Randomize
