He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
Randomize
