Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
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