her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
Randomize
