my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
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