Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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