Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
Your shirt... Was in my pants
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
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