Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
Randomize
