im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
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