update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
Randomize
