I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
Randomize
