Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize
