My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Randomize
