somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
Randomize
