dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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