walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
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