you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
Last thing I remember is Dusty riding the bikes we "borrowed" from the hotel through the CVS while the rest of us picked up the girls who were laughing at him
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
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