some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
We're using joints as your birthday candles
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
Randomize
