so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
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