I'm so fucking centered right now
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
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