shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
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