I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
All I'm saying is that she needs to invest in some razors. But her head game is great. The pros and cons in last minute hook-ups
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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