kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
I've got to admit, I'm a little hesitant about giving him road head. I've seen how he drives and I've seen how he acts when I give him head. A small part of me is saying this is going to end badly.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Randomize
