She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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