My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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