WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
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