I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
Everyone says I win the strip club
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
