I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
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