I jusy said out loud "gingers unite in the middle of the night"
just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
Randomize
