oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
yo I sort of want to fuck rachel maddow. but I'm not a lesbian. actually I reaally want to so maybe I am a lesbian. at least on weekdays at 9.
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
Last thing I remember is Dusty riding the bikes we "borrowed" from the hotel through the CVS while the rest of us picked up the girls who were laughing at him
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
Randomize
