I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
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