Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
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