My nipple is on Facebook.
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
of course. lets lasso hookers.
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
Randomize
