Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
may or may not have recieved head in the car before we came in.
First straight guy ever blown in a Prius. Congrats.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
Randomize
