ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
