I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
do nipples grow back?
Randomize
