I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
grandma shit on top of the toilet
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
why does every cop we meet know your name?
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
