What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
