Texts From Last Night · Random Texts

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(619): View more from California

i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs

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(720): View more from Colorado

I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.

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(410): View more from Maryland

Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....

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(509): View more from Washington

Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.

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(248): View more from Michigan

If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.

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(727): View more from Florida

If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.

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(970): View more from Colorado

Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.

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(910): View more from North Carolina

then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.

(910): View more from North Carolina

it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.

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