Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
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