if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
