New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
sick fucks of a feather flock together
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
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