I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
Randomize
