I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
I AM VODKA MAN
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
Randomize
