i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
Randomize
