Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Randomize
