So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
Randomize
