There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
Whatcha textin bout Willis?
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
Randomize
