It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
Randomize
