I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
