I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Randomize
