I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
Randomize
