im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
He just said "I made some changes in my life. The male g-spot is in the rectum and I wanted to explore that."
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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