Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
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