My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
Try not to get arrested for it, but otherwise i support you
He's CUTE. and foreign
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Randomize
